Interrupting Generational Trauma
Up until roughly three years ago I never thought not having a father or a father figure in my life was any type of issue. I never questioned my upbringing, not even on my mom’s deathbed, because to me it was normal and was all I knew. Although there were things I knew about who my father was, which I’ll share, it wasn’t until I found myself in a certain situation which lead me to look deeper for answers about what really happen between my parents. What I’m about to share is what’s called generational trauma. Trauma is nothing more than suppressed emotion held within the dna of an individual. What makes trauma generational is when patterns have repeated themselves without an interruption of consciousness by an offspring. Therefore, as long as the emotion is suppressed or held within the dna, the offspring will find themselves experiencing the same reality their parents did because at a cellular level that’s all they know.
I want to start off by saying there are a lot of things I still don’t know about my father and I’m not sure if I will ever find out more, nonetheless this’s where I start. There are pictures of me as a baby and a toddler sitting with a man on the couch in our living room but I have no recollection of this. Once I became more conscious as a child I remember there was this man who would come to our front door and drop off a gift for me, either on my birthday or at Christmas. My mother and him would converse for a short period of time, sometimes signing documents and then he would ask me a few questions mostly about school. I remember feeling very scared and confused as he was a very tall man who was nothing more than a stranger to me. Some years we would all go out for dinner and I would receive a gift then. I remember feeling awkward conversing and connecting with someone I really knew nothing about. Other than these annual interactions I never communicated with him. My mother told me this man was my father but that really meant nothing to me at the time. I had no concept of what a father even was because there was no consistent presence or love from him. I remember my mother getting angry with him sometimes either during these interactions or over the phone stating he needs to be more involved in my life. No further effort was ever taken but I too know I played a role in this. As I grew up into a teenager I remember telling my mom I didn’t want to hang out with him because I didn’t like how it made me feel. The feelings he evoked were very painful and scared me to the point where I buried them deep within me because I knew no other way of dealing with them. The last time I remember seeing my father was in junior high. My best friend at the time and I were lying on my couch after school when I suddenly heard someone walking up the front steps. I looked and to my surprise it was my father. He was ringing the doorbell to drop off an envelope. I immediately told her we had to hide from his view through the window. We both sunk into the couches hoping he couldn’t see us. I’m not sure if he ever did see us but I never answered the door that day. After I heard him walk back down the steps I peered up from the couch and watched him get back into his truck and drive away. My friend never questioned me on why we had to avoid his presence. When I look back I was only showing up for my father the way he showed up for me; in this scenario and our lives it was through each other’s absence. He never fully acknowledged me, so I never fully acknowledged him. I was too immature at the time to know better and I was in running in full self-preservation mode.
I’m now aware I’ve felt abandoned, rejected and betrayed by my father since the point of my conception. It’s taken me 28 years, my whole life, to realize that almost all of my problems steamed from my father’s absence. These problems include anger issues, an extreme lack of self-love, self-hatred, perfectionism, OCD, several different eating disorders, and body dysmorphia. My anger issues were the first problem I became somewhat aware of, as they were my default reaction when a person or situation triggered my wound of betrayal. This started when I was younger with my mother as we fought a lot and I would take out my emotions on her because I didn’t know how to handle them and I instinctually expected her to understand what I was experiencing. I remember many times wanting to run away from home thinking it would solve my problems because I felt so misunderstood. I know now these issues are no one’s responsibility but my own. Growing up my emotion of anger was not limited to any particular person but anyone who appeared in my life. If for any reason I sensed the smallest form of betrayal by a family member, friend, romantic relationship or really anyone for that matter I ran and did my best to cut them out of my life because I was experiencing the same trauma I did when I was a child. It took me a long time to realize the anger was unavoidable and I had to deal with why it was there in the first place before that aspect of myself could ever evolve. I know now life was only trying to show me this wound of betrayal reflected back to me through various situations with others triggering me but I wasn’t conscious enough at the time to become aware of it. It’s easy now to identify my pattern of getting angry and running away as my copping mechanism from the constant betrayal I was experiencing. I never knew it was an issue at the time nor was I taught how to deal with this kind of trauma. I’m also very good at masking my sensitivity and pain not only from others but from myself as well. This was my method of self-preservation but I came to realize this was only hindering my personal growth. As you can only imagine when someone of significant importance in your life betrays you, not only does this evoke anger but mistrust. When you can’t trust someone of significant importance it becomes difficult to trust anyone. The more situations that stimulated my wound of betrayal the more distance I placed between others and myself for this again was my way of self-preservation. It was even more challenging for me to be emotionally vulnerable with others because every time I felt it was right to open up the situation ends in evoking this wound of betrayal which had me running further away each time. From these experiences I learned to preserve every aspect of myself so I could avoid the potential pain caused by an interaction. This wound also formed my complex of never asking for help because of the potential I would be let down which would trigger the wound of betrayal. I learned to figure things out on my own so I could be completely self-sufficient that way I wouldn’t have to inconvenience anyone. I always felt like my presence disrupted people’s lives because my presence disrupted my father’s life and he abandoned me because of it. I learned if I depended on no one, other people couldn’t abandon me. Not only have I discovered this to be my own pattern but also one of my mothers. My mother was also very self sufficient and I’m aware I learned an aspect of this from her. This wound has been stored very deep within my subconscious. My mother did a great job playing the roles of both parents; she loved me unconditionally and gave me everything she could in order for me to succeed. She was truly selfless and always put herself second to me, despite everything she had been through and the suppressed emotions she was battling within her. Although there are lots of things I don’t know about my mother, from what I do know is our lives have been shockingly similar. I’ve come to understand there are no coincidences in life, only synchronicities and this’s found in the genetic makeup of our dna.
I’d like to share a bit about my mother’s life first and then describe how it correlates to my own. My whole life I only knew my mom to have one boyfriend, which she had at some point when I was in elementary. I remember hating the man because he took away my mothers attention from me, very selfish I know, but I’m also sure I could sense his intentions. He convinced my mother he would help her renovate our house and half way through the renovations he left her and she was forced finish everything on her own. It’s easy to see she must’ve also had a wound of betrayal but with it’s root cause being heartbreak. Also from this situation her instinctual self-sufficiency was activated due to the circumstances. There’s no coincidence this pattern of betrayal has repeated itself in my life along with the similar coping mechanisms. Other than this man I didn’t know there had been anyone else during my own lifetime. I’m aware my parents traveled together before I was born but other than that my father wasn’t physically present in my life. Fast forward to after my mother and family had passed away I was cleaning out the safety deposit box at the bank when I found divorce papers that were dated long before I was born, roughly 12 years. After collecting information from a few different sources I’ve come to understand my mother was married when she was 22 but only for a year. Unfortunately this man cheated on her within the first year so she cut ties and lived by herself from then on. Here’s where I believe her wound of betrayal started which came from heart break, although I suspect the wound of betrayal has been within our families dna for generations.
As I further went through my mothers belongings I found a very significant newspaper article that had been cut from the paper with a note attached to it. The article was about a study that had been done about children who grew up without fathers explaining they were on average angrier than other children. The sticky note attached to the article said, “I tried my very best, Mom.” I immediately burst into tears because for the first time this made sense to me. Even though the answer to my anger issues were right in front of my face I still didn’t have enough awareness to cognize the teaching of its lesson. Cleaning out my mothers house and removing all of her possessions was probably one of the most painful experiences I’ve ever been through because of how prolonged it was. It was physically, mentally and emotionally taxing every time I attempted to clean out an area of my house. I had some help at times when something was too heavy but for the most part I did it by myself and it took me 7 years to complete. My mom held sentimental value for a lot of things and she had her own reason for keeping the stuff she did. Throughout this process I become a minimalist vowing to myself to never hold onto that much stuff due to my experience of going through that amount of one’s belongings. Again here we can see my pattern of doing things on my own but as painful as it was I realize now it did help me with my healing process as it evoked many suppressed emotions within me that may have not been released at the time if someone else was around as I wasn’t comfortable yet with crying around others. When I was younger I would cry a lot of times by myself because I was ashamed of crying. Of course this was my own perception but I believe I inherently learned it as I’d never seen my mom cry until I was 19 when my grandfather passed away. When I first started to immerse myself in nature while meditating the pure love of the environment and the trees helped me to cry a lot. This’s why I love the trees and Mother Earth so much and how I formed a relationship with them. I felt safe to be vulnerable immersed in the love of Mother Earth. Eventually I became comfortable crying around my teacher during healings, which in turn helped open me up to crying around others. In summary my mother lived almost all of her life without a partner. She did physically raise me by herself and with the help of my grandparents but I’m aware my father did contribute monetarily. After having your heart broken by a husband through cheating, which is very emotionally painful plus with the added legalities involved, then you add my father who seemingly left my mother to raise me on her own, and then the cherry on top of the pain must’ve been the boyfriend who left her that seemingly closed her heart for the remainder of her life. This would shatter anyone’s heart and I can only imagine how painful this was for her. Since her divorce when she was 22 I’m aware she did live by herself. It’s clear she was not only cautious with her heart after her divorce but after all of what I just explained. I believe she wasn’t able to fully process any of the emotions these situations evoked within her so they were left unhealed within the family lineage. For those who haven’t read my blog post about my mother she passed away when I was 21 due to the spread of ovarian cancer, which I personally believe was nothing more than long standing suppressed emotion resulting in dis-ease. I was her only child and I can confirm the unhealed emotional wounds by sharing my own life experiences with you.
When I look deeper into all my relationships throughout my life so far the wound of betrayal doesn’t sting as much from family, friends and acquaintances as much as it does from my romantic partners. This of course this’s because there’s a deeper level of intimacy and emotional vulnerability involved. I’m going to share my relationship experiences so you can see how closely they correlate to my mother’s life and how this led me to start searching for answers about what really happened between my parents. First off I’d say I need deep emotional involvement to truly find intimacy rewarding so I refused to put myself in situations where this wasn’t present. I’m aware I need this from all my relationships now not just my intimate ones. Surface level anything has me tuning out and removing myself from the situation. Now I can say I actually thrive on emotional vulnerability for I see it as the gateway to true connection with others. So my first serious, I laugh now when I describe this as serious because it’s far from serious but ill go with it ha-ha. So my first serious relationship was in high school and it lasted about 1.5 years. It ended with my best friend at the time sleeping with my boyfriend. As you can only imagine this left me heart broken, as I not only lost my boyfriend but also my best friend at the same time. I remember being really angry, upset and crying a lot to the point where my mom said to me, Vanesa you need to get it together. I know now I’m very sensitive so what feels like nothing to someone else, feels like everything to me. I’ve also become even more sensitive as I’ve been healing myself. Suppressed emotion actually inhibits your body’s ability to truly feel, so I more I’ve dealt with my emotions the more sensitive I’ve become. I actually seen this ex boyfriend at a party and punched him in the face several times for cheating on me, leaving my entire hand and forearm bruised. Not something I’m proud of you could say but this was the first major trigger of my betrayal wound by a significant male in my life. You see this situation was only trying to show me what was suppressed within me.
My second serious relationship had a completely different ending but nonetheless still horribly painful. I’ve described before how this was my first true dependent love. I say dependent because I loved him more than I loved myself at the time. I was in the relationship from 19 to 22, a time when I had no idea what self-love was. This boyfriend was with me through all my heartaches of losing my grandpa, my grandma and then my mom, three consecutive years in a row. When I was losing my mom our relationship was quite rocky, the stress of my situation was a lot to comprehend and no one could begin to relate to the pain I was feeling. He broke things off a couple months after my mom died and this quite literally killed me. When you desire attention from someone and it’s not received the body reacts the same way it would as if it was receiving physical pain. This was the most agony I’d ever experienced at the time. I didn’t want to give up but relationships can’t be one sided. One of the notions he expressed during our breakup was that he wanted his time back that he spent being in a relationship, but shortly after I found out he was in another relationship and I just felt lied to. I felt abandoned not only from him but also by everyone who had passed on. It appear during this time as if everyone who closely loved me left me. This situation only further activated my feelings of rejection and abandonment from my father. I’m aware now within my wound of rejection I suppressed my lack of self love, how much I really hated myself, my perfectionism, many eating disorders and my body dysmorphia. All of these problems became more prominent after this relationship ended. This was traumatic in itself because not only was I dealing with all the loss that had occurred, I was also fighting my unhealthy coping mechanisms, which was something I never talked about. These coping mechanisms spiraled me into further self hate because I consciously knew they weren’t healthy but it’s as if I had no control over these habits as the more stressed I was the more exacerbated these habits became. I’ve had a bad relationship with food ever since I can remember. When I was very little I loved unhealthy food because to me I found it tasted better than anything my mom would make. I remember when I was little I would sit on the couch, eat processed food and watch TV for hours to numb myself from the present moment where all my pain resided. I’m aware now this was how my unhealthy coping mechanism started because these were two activities that helped me to drown out the emotions I would feel when I was at home. My home life was very emotionally unhealthy. My mother struggled with panic attacks because she was stressed out all of the time working two or three jobs at times. I believe she worked so hard so she wouldn’t have to face the emotions she was feeling and because she was a single parent raising me which wasn’t easy. It was her way of coping and unfortunately what I believe was the reason for her early battle with cancer and death. So like I described when I was little I used food to cope with my emotions of abandonment and rejection that came from my absent father. Growing into a teenager I noticed I couldn’t eat the same foods anymore as I started to gain weight so I immediately made changes to my lifestyle. I was always very aware of my appearance, as I was physically mature by the age of 11, which was a lot quicker than any of my colleagues. I cut out my unhealthy eating habits and stopped watching TV as I didn’t like the memories surfacing of how I coped nor did I like how these activities made me feel. By high school I was already controlling the amount and what I ate and working out outside of all my sporting commitments for all the wrong reasons. Not to be better at sports but to be fitter so I maintained the socially acceptable image. I inherently believed that if I didn’t look a certain way people wouldn’t accept me because my father never accepted me. I know my mother also being on and off diets my entire childhood added to my unhealthy coping mechanisms thinking it was normal. Diets mask the cycles of emotional eating and this pattern of coping ran in my family. This’s where I learned to use food as my escape from the present moment where my pain resided. Food is probably the most abused undefined drug there is. There were times as I got into my late teens where I couldn’t control what I ate, and I’m sure if I were to examine those times there would’ve been an upheaval of emotions that I was facing. So I went from undiagnosed anorexia to binge eating when I could no longer control my emotions. My binge eating got so bad I became bulimic because I was so scared that the food I was eating was going to cause me to gain weight. After my mother and family passed, everyone and everything that loved me left me I gained almost 30 pounds. At that point it didn’t matter what I ate, healthy or not, small amounts or not, the weight just kept piling on and I couldn’t do anything about it. The body cannot function properly when it has gone through mass amounts of trauma and is harboring the emotions from it. The cycle of restrictive eating, bingeing and bulimia continued until I started to identify and release the suppressed emotions related to my father’s absence. I understand my weight gain now to be my inability at the time to digest my emotions, giving away too much of my energy to others in order to cope and distract myself from the present moment and my body physically protecting me from the trauma I’d just went through.
You see addictions come from childhood trauma and the more sensitive the child is the more traumatic the experiences are for them. Many people have some form of childhood trauma, they’re just not aware of it. My soul has had trauma since the point of my conception and my increased sensitivity has made overcoming the challenges that much more difficult. Children need a mechanism to cope with the pain they’re experiencing so they turn to something that’s accessible in their environment, for me that was food and I inherently witnessed this coping mechanism and followed suit. The addiction could’ve been anything, alcohol, drugs, sex; you name it, its possible. When children are raised in less than perfect environments especially with lack of emotional support, with no tools to help them digest their emotions they’ll turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms until they understand they’re really running away from deeply suppressed emotions that probably come from a time where they were less than conscious. I never told anyone about my eating disorders, although I’m sure it was pretty obvious to anyone looking in at my life. The environments that I was put in and also put myself in didn’t help either. I played high-level sports; I modeled and participated in a fitness competition. All these activities were based around diet and my appearance, which wasn’t helping. I did my best to hide the disorders because not only was I ashamed but I was also a perfectionist and this clashed with unattainable standard I set for myself. My perfectionism disorder was linked to my extreme lack of self-love and this caused me to look for solutions to these issues in all the wrong places. The solutions I was aware of were only the ones that had been promoted by society. After all these catastrophic events I started to alter my physical appearance thinking that would solve my many problems. I’ve had lip fillers way before KJ ever made them popular and I’ve had two breast augmentations. I decided to physically change my appearance to make myself feel loved and wanted but of course this wasn’t the correct solution for many reasons. I understand this may seem obvious to others but at the time I had been rejected by life in so many ways I thought that who I was and my physical appearance was the issue, when really it came down to how I felt about myself and because I felt worthless from day one I struggled heavily with this area of my life. My physical alterations didn’t solve the problem as the feeling of imperfection still remained because it never got to the root cause of the issue. This’s a very important point as I’ve come to understand people are only searching for pure love and it’s recognized by the soul through feeling not physicality. Pure love is absolute acceptance of your entire being, complete forgiveness of your past, present and future selves, no judgment or expectation and knowing you’re divine. When I was able to identify and release my limiting belief patterns I inherited, I began to love and accept who I was. It wasn’t until I started healing myself by working through my emotions that I found the solution my soul was truly searching for.
So behind all these issues was the root cause of my absent father. He never loved me so I learned to never love myself. I never felt accepted by him so in turn I never accepted myself and this’s where my self-hatred came from. I thought if I became perfect I would become successful in being accepted by others but this only steamed from me feeling unworthy from never having a father. I hated myself because relationship after relationship I was constantly rejected and I blamed no one but myself. The perceived failures within my career also added to this self-hatred and all of this was happening to me at the same time. If all one experiences is rejection and failure there’s going to come a point where they either give up or surrender and accept. Luckily I found meditation, which helped me to surrender and accept although I didn’t know this at the time.
After this relationship I took a lot of time to myself. I couldn’t really be in a relationship with another person because I couldn’t even handle myself during these times. I had to learn how to be with myself and heal from what had just taken place in my life. From that point I never sought to be in a relationship because the thought of having my heart potentially broken again was just too painful so I avoided it all together. I started to put myself before others for the first time and I began to experience how it felt to be looked after by the person who knew me best, me. My next serious relationship was something I didn’t see coming and it would be the catalyst that led me to investigating what really happened between my parents.
So I served part time for several years as I grew my healing business. Here’s where I came across a very special person; so special that to this day I’ve never come across anyone like him. His hearts so big that everywhere he goes people feel his magnetism. He was also the wealthiest and most generous person I’d ever met. He was a very rare person. There were red flags right from the beginning but they were overshadowed by his empathy and compassion, like I said before I’d never met anyone like him. Unfortunately, I have to admit these red flags weren’t just small, they were wrapped in yellow caution tape hoping I would keep my distance. Not only was this man was an alcoholic; he was also married, not happily of course. He never wore a ring, nor talked about his family in the beginning but his friends and employees did mention this after a while. After getting to know him through many business interactions he asked me for dinner, of course I accepted and this turned into many dinners over the course of several months. While I was getting to know him the curiosity of who my father was appeared in my head. At this time I’d been reaching deeper stages of my healing and had done a lot of work around the loss of my family when it dawned on me that I wanted offer forgiveness to my father for him never being in my life and also tell him my mother had passed away 5 years ago. At the time of my mother’s passing I didn’t think it was necessary he knew because he was never there to begin with and I wasn’t emotionally stable at the time to reach out. I had been learning about how important forgiveness was for emotional growth and knew this was the next stage of my healing journey I needed to embark on. I was also really coming to understand the more vulnerable I became the easier my life was becoming because I was no longer running away from my problems. I was facing them and it felt liberating, so I kept doing it. I did have record of an old email address of his that became my first attempt at contacting him but no luck. The email was returned to me stating the email address no longer existed. So because I knew my fathers last name I decided to look him up on Facebook, it never dawned on me to do this before but now was the time. I didn’t find a profile for my father but what I did find shocked me. I came across a profile of a man with the same last name who looked very similar to my father but much younger. I was able to look through this man’s photos without being his friend and discovered this was one of my fathers other children. I wasn’t aware he had other children, nor was I aware that he actually had a whole other family. I discovered he had three other children; he also had several grandchildren who were surprisingly close in age to me. I also found his wife who carried his last name with several pictures of them together. I also found tons of their family photos on several of their Facebook profiles. It was in this moment my life flashed before eyes and I finally understood the biggest mystery of life. Whether this’s the truth or not it appears I was the result of an affair, and therefore no coincidence I had found myself in one as well for history and trauma repeats itself unless there’s an interruption of consciousness. At this point I decided to message one of his other children to see if I would get a response. I didn’t state in the message that I was related to him as I was only inquiring about a point of contact. After a couple attempts and no response I decided to leave it alone and do the healing work energetically. A couple months went by when I had another idea come to mind. I decided Google my father’s name because I thought maybe I could find a phone number some how. Instead of finding any point of reference I found his obituary. He transitioned at age 74. My intuition sensed his transition hence my attempt to make peace but for some reason I wasn’t meant to have physical closure with him. I found his obituary about a month after he passed and ironically he died on June 17, 2018, that was Father’s Day. Yeah I got chills too. This still didn’t stop me from pursuing the married man who I was getting to know because at the time it was what I wanted to experience. I resisted being intimate with this man for several months because I knew it was wrong but this came to an end one warm summer day when I seemingly drank too much while hanging out with him. I wrote a blog post about my challenge with alcohol, which you can read if you wish, as this situation only highlights the repetitive behaviors that had harmed me in the past. Anyways, after this day our love affair started. Not only was I drawn to this suave, kind man on an energetic level but his luxurious lifestyle that he seemingly wanted to share with me. My ego, which by the way was huge, drew me in based on the things I got to experience with him. So not only was there love involved but rare opportunities to experience life in a way I’d only dreamed of. I’m talking living life with no limits, driving luxury cars (and I love driving and cars), extravagant thousand dollar dinners, first class trips, and a credit card. This level of the relationship went on for about four months before I started to not feel satisfied. I was never a priority of course and I was often pushed aside due to other family and business matters. You can have it all; but if your soul is not nurtured, you’ll feel empty even at the most extravagant celebration. This relationship highlighted for me that I still didn’t love myself. I also learned another level of self worth, as I could never allow myself to be second best again. There was also a dark side to this relationship and as I’ve previously stated, this man was an alcoholic and as our relationship progressed he became very emotionally abusive when he was drunk, unfortunately this was just like myself in the past when I would drink to much alcohol and something would set off my anger issues. This man too had the same issues, for his parents separated when he was young and he was only experiencing similar pain. I identify now he was only mirroring my own issues with the unhealthy coping mechanisms. There were many times I forgave him for his behavior towards me but this became exhausting. I did my best to try and help him and be compassionate because I could see his wound but it became too emotionally draining for me. I knew my intuition was telling me I had to let this relationship go but I refused to listen at this point. We had planned to go to the mountains for a snowboarding trip one weekend in December. Now before we went on the trip I had told a few other clients where I was heading and one of them told me to be careful because I could get injured easily. I remember responding stating, “I would only get injured if I was going the wrong direction in life.” Well I spoke that into existence. On the last run of the day, right as we were taking the exit trail to the car I hit an icy patch on my board and stuck my arm out to break my fall. I tried to get up after this fall but failed to and as I realized my forearm bone was out of alignment. I ended up breaking my left forearm; metaphorically in the energy world this means denying one’s femininity, no surprise here as my nonexistent self-worth was showing itself yet again. He took me to the hospital and they snapped it back into place and casted it. I had to call my employer and notify them I would have to take on a different part time position, as I could no longer fulfill the requirements of my current position. My healing business was also put on hold, as a part of what I do is hands on healing. Ignoring my intuition lead me to not only be physically hurt, but emotionally, mentally and financially. Shortly after this trip we ended up getting into the millionth fight about his alcoholic tendencies and I broke things off with him, as I physically had no more energy to fight with him let alone sustain the energy my arm needed for it to heal. I was given a check up date at a hospital near my house to oversee the healing process of my forearm. This check up didn’t go well as the doctor stated my arm was not healing straight. I ended up being in a cast for three weeks when I returned to the doctor’s office to have it looked at again hoping for my highest healed outcome. The doctor informed me he wanted to send me for emergency surgery as early as that evening as my arm was not getting any better. I really wish I would’ve paused at this time and done some reflecting on his answer because I believe now maybe that’s how my arm was intended to heal. No the bones weren’t perfectly aligned but maybe that was the best way for my body going forward. Anyways, I ended up being rushed for emergency surgery that next morning. I only told two people about my surgery, my teacher and my employer. This was a pretty dark 24 hours as I felt completely in victim mentality. I literally drove myself to the hospital, had my surgery completed, I didn’t get take any post surgery medication so the hospital would let me drive myself home. When I was in victim mode I never asked anyone for help because I always felt guilty that I would be inconveniencing someone else’s life. This came from the belief that I inconvenienced and disrupted my father’s life by being born. Very harsh I know but it was what I learned from my experience of his absence as I explained before. I had figured out how to do everything on my own and only if it were absolutely necessary would I ask for help and this surgery was no exception. My ex did find out after the surgery was completed that I was in the hospital due to a previous commitment with my friends. Of course he asked why I wasn’t there and I told him I was in the hospital. I could tell he was drunk by the way he was messaging me in the first place but he didn’t offer any support or assistance and this was devastating to me. I’d been nothing but loving and kind, yes I broke up with him but it was because he was refusing to learn his lesson, and I was only mirroring him up until that point. He had already been messaging me several times asking me rethink my decision but I was done. One thing I’ve always done when I feel betrayed in a situation is completely take my energy away and move on without another word, at least for an extended period of time. I must first forgive myself for allowing the situation to take place and I energetically offer the other individual forgiveness for they were only trying to teach me a lesson. Once I’ve dealt with the problem that occurred, taking full responsibility for it and have cognized the lesson I can return to being open and cordial with that individual again just with stronger boundaries. In the end I was in a cast for 3 weeks, a splint for 3 weeks after my surgery and then a Velcro cast for the following 3 weeks to get my strength back. It took me 11 physiotherapy treatments to gain enough mobility and strength to use my arm normally again. I can say it really took me a solid 5 months from when I broke my arm until I could workout the way I had been prior to breaking it. A couple weeks after we’d been broken up I had a dream and it was so vivid it was imprinted into my memory. If you remember your dream it’s not just a dream but also a message from your subconscious mind. In the dream there was a pink butterfly and on the other side of the butterfly was a person but they were never revealed to me. Later on in a healing session with my teacher she helped me dissect the importance of this dream. I was told a little girl wanted into incarnate within me, meaning my soul wanted to birth a little girl. Dreaming of a pink butterfly is metaphorically the sign for getting pregnant with a little girl in the energy world. This’s where things get really synchronistic to the point where I was on the cusp of repeating my mother’s life. After gathering as much information as I could about my parents I found out they met when my mother was serving part time at a restaurant near our house and that too is how I met this man. They went on many different trips and it’s believed I was conceived during a trip they took to San Francisco. I figured out my father was 47 when he had me; the man I was with was turning 47 that same year. If I would’ve stayed with that man for a couple more weeks there was a chance according to this dream that I would’ve gotten pregnant with a little girl, to a man who was 47 who I met while I was serving, who took me on trips and l legit down to the detail would’ve repeated my mothers life. Therefore I would’ve continued to live the generational trauma of the unresolved emotions that were expressing themselves through my dna, BUT THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN. I left that relationship and never looked back. To this day I still receive messages from him. I’ve always still been cordial with him because I’m aware of our roles in each other’s lives. I have nothing but compassion for him for he has unresolved trauma, which causes him to act the way he does but that’s his own responsibility and journey. It’s only the ego that blames another, the heart forgives and heals, and the soul knows only teachings and lessons.
There’s also a synchronicity within his pattern of affairs that I would like to touch on. He shared with me that before our relationship he was in a previous affair and the girl he was with shared some similarities with me. When I ended our relationship it dawned on me that I might actually know this girl, as I was aware we both modeled for the same agency. Sure enough I found pictures of us together working the same show several years ago. You see nothing is coincidence, there’s always a pattern and synchronicity you just have to pay attention.
The biggest mystery of my life that no one told me about was that I was the result of an affair and my life was curated to end in the same result down to the very detail due to unfinished emotional trauma between my parents that was stored within my dna. I want to highlight that up until now my life has been a complete repetition of my mothers and grandmothers lives, except with a different ending, because I finally learned the lessons the generational traumas were trying to teach. (My grandmother lost her mother at 14, and I lost my mother at 21.) The only difference was I had an interruption of consciousness when my mother and grandparents transitioned which led me to meditation. I owe it to my meditation practice for giving me the awareness to be the observer of my life and to not only see my own patterns but the lineage I incarnated into as well.
It wasn’t until I hit rock bottom emotionally, mentally, and physically that I started to take my healing journey seriously. People around me also had no idea I was struggling with any of this at the time because I was so ashamed to tell others the extent of my problems. I’ve learned a lot since then and I want to share my life experiences because I know it can help others identify their own lessons, so they too can heal and evolve. Know that nothing is out of reach and therefore it’s possible to heal and master the cards you were given. The key to personal growth and liberation is vulnerability so I continue to put myself in those places daily because it helps me evolve. I’ve found nothing more fulfilling in life than my own evolution.
I’m reiterating trauma is nothing more than suppressed emotion held within your body and your dna. In order to overcome what has taken place in your life you must feel the emotions you’ve suppressed. Emotions are energy-in-motion so if you don’t release them, get emotional; they’ll keep playing out the patterns intended, following you to each situation you put yourself in until you learn the lesson of working through them. If you truly want to change your life and evolve your soul you must discover those parts of yourself that feel uncomfortable and ask yourself what’s there.
I only have one tattoo and that’s my mother’s signature on my left forearm to remember her and everything she passed onto me. Ironically the scar where the incision was made to realign my bone was right beneath it and it’s the picture for this blog post. There’s no coincidence the event that gave me the scar right beneath my mother’s signature was also the event that helped me overcome not only overcome my mother’s trauma but the suppressed emotion within our lineage’s dna. Now because I have the awareness I’ve chosen to take the responsibility for these patterns and not repeat them. My mother and grandparents gave me everything they could and this’s my way of energetically repaying them and saying thank you. As I heal the generational trauma that’s embedded in my dna from the generations before me, not only do I heal myself but I also heal 7 generations back and 7 generations to come. From a higher perspective I can see now how this was a team effort as the three of them built the foundation for me to come in and complete the healing work, releasing not only myself from the trauma but them as well. The plan for all of it was truly beautiful.
I never got physical closure with my father but energetically I have. Over the past two years I’ve been healing the parts of myself associated with him by facing my problems head on and writing this story has been the final part of the journey. The biggest lesson I learned from my father’s absence was to love and accept myself for who I am. I had to cultivate the love and acceptance that was never there to begin with. I’ve learned and experienced we must love ourselves first before we’ll ever be satisfied in any area of life. The love of self is really the love we’re all seeking; from there we can expand it in a way that’s healthy for others and ourselves. I’m truly grateful for the lessons, as they’re nothing but more tools to equip me on my journey.
Bliss is known to be the highest space of the soul and in order to attain that level of feeling we must overcome and master the lower levels of this space such as pleasure and love. What we yearn most for is the love straight from the source of who we are. As you can see when I was growing up I tried to replace my pain with pleasure, my painful feelings with food and body modifications. Pleasures are temporary and can grow into over indulgence very quickly, just like mine did, but it never solved my problems. I can also recognize I’ve looked for love in other people to satisfy the love I didn’t have for myself at the time. No one can give me the love I’m truly seeking but myself. When I understood that I must take care of myself and fulfill my needs before taking care of others I could then love others unconditionally.
Through the many stories I told in this post it’s pretty obvious to see how important a father’s presence is. I’m aware I’m very sensitive and the way I reacted to my upbringing may seem very unique but this message about how childhood trauma manifest’s needs more awareness. There are so many children without fathers and it’s so clear to me now the many problems we have in society come from this very childhood trauma. Some people are angry, some have trouble with authority and law, some have addictions, some have all of them, and some are homeless because of these problems but one thing I’m sure they have in common is the absence of a significant role model in their life. Getting emotional with the guidance of energy healing is how I’ve gotten to the root cause of what occurred in my life and transformed it. There were no pharmaceuticals involved in this journey and I’m an example of how trauma can be overcome naturally. This solution of energy healing needs more awareness and is why I share my life so openly.
I identify the life experiences I’ve had now all to be an invitation to further discover myself. I no longer compartmentalize my life so nothing is good or bad it’s just an experience. As I look back on my life every experience has truly been a gift. I choose to transmute these experiences into teachings for myself, which in turn I use as the building blocks of my resiliency. Through experiencing both the pain and the healing process, I’ve been given the gift to help others on their journey. This process has been very rewarding in itself, and again why I’ve dedicated my life to evolving the consciousness of Earth.